Nemy's Clickable Adventure
by Kenta Wolf
Summary: The greatest (and most pathetic) thing to do is click on stuff in Resident Evil, and especially RE: Nemesis! Find what fun text we (the royal we) mock! See what you've missed!


**Disclaimer: I had a lot more, but the original file was gobbled by Microsoft! The quoted text isn't mine, it's Capcom's, and thank goodness for that! There are also references to other copyrighted things, too….grumble.**

**Nemy's**** Clickable Adventure**

****

            You go around in Resident Evil and shoot things and solve things and get it under a time limit, but do you ever appreciate all the translating work? Did you ever think too hard about things? Nope! 

**Someone's In Here! Why would Jill go to the trouble of changing the door sign in the Boutique to "occupied"? Did she have the notion zombies or Tyrants would be deferred by her skin?**

**No Replacements. Jill goes through the R.P.D. station to get a lockpick- or what she calls a lockpick. Could've picked up that safety pin and hairpin back in the warehouse!**

**Umbrella, Who? Why was Nemesis programmed to kill Brad? Vickers didn't experience the mansion! Flying copter, buzzy radio, "Can anyone hear me, give me a sign…?"**

**Inanimate Attatchment. David's Memo: "That shotgun's become a close friend of mine." Obviously David's going to have a Postal episode and spurt out: "The gun knows." Ah, such interesting people in Raccoon…**

**Deduction. Mysterious door by the R.P.D. station by the "statue of a god holding up his soul" area: "The doorknob turns but the door won't budge. It seems to be nailed from the other side." Of all the conclusions Jill could've made…**

**"You're Green." On clicking on a desk in the S.T.A.R.S. office: "It's the desk of Rebecca, a rookie S.T.A.R.S. member" Soooo….Jill doesn't think the mansion has matured 'Becca, even though the "rookie" has her own desk?**

**Mysterious Valentine. Jill has psycho-kinesis: she opens the inventory boxes with her mind alone!**

**Tidy Freak. Jill has an episode of possession by the spirit of Miss Poppins, clicking on the locker Marvin lays against in RE2: "Someone has made quite a mess in here." Well, no shit.**

**Raccoon****City****: Repairmen Needed. Remember how the spuing hydrant of the R.P.D. no longer spues when Jill comes out from her guest, Senor Tacky Trenchcoat? Her analysis why: "The hydrant is broken." Ahhh, like so many things in Raccoon. Cars near the hospital, for example: "It is completely broken." The clocktower stairs after the failed helicopter rescue: "The stairs are broken and cannot be used." Well, _of course not Carlos, I mean for God's sake they're broken!_**

**Desensitization. That massive pileup near the garage with the bus stop - two stories tall? "Nothing especially strange here." No, everything seems damn tame after the mansion and Nemy 'n' all. Damn tame.**

**Contemplation Is Key. The fountain area, where the metal book is to be put: "Place your wisdom here. There is a hollow space for something to be put in." And we always wondered why Jill never became a detective…**

**The I.R.S. Works In Mysterious Ways. In the right fork of the Y-path split to either the gas station or trolley, a poster on the wall: "Pay your taxes because they provide for the safety and well-being of our special town." Oh, yeah this town is _very special. Obviously taxpayers didn't comply and pay their taxes. No rebate for them! _**

**Why Jill Also Won't Earn A Doctorate. On checking on poor Mikhail laying on the trolley seats: "Mikhail appears to be in pain and suffering." I believe this would have more of an effect if it was written 'Mikhail appears to be in pain and/or suffering.' Jeez, Dr. Quinn, what a diagnosis!**

**Maintained? The first-time click on the instruments in front of the cable car: "A well-maintained contro room." As soon as I figure out what a "contro room" is, I can advance my position…**

**Zap. On checking the Battery in the status screen: "An old style battery. It seems to be as powerful as a modern one." And how exactly did Jill ascertain this – by jamming her fingers in for the shock?**

**Dishonorable Discharge. Mercenary's Pocketbook: "Out of desperation we robbed some members of their weapons and used the surviving citizens as decoys." And _this is rescuing the civilians? Zombie hunting! Quack, quack! _**

**Manly Muscles. That bell blocking the clocktower's back door: "A spare bell for the clocktower. It would take incredible strength to move it." And since Carlos can move it, I'm sure the designers are complimenting him – "A bell for the clocktower. I can push it." _Increable__! _**

**Low, Low Rates on Life Coverage! A bulletin board to the right of the first-floor Hospital save room. "Your guide to Health Insurance." I believe this speaks for itself.**

**Tounge**** Tied. The health spray shelf in the Hospital save room: "There are numerous numbers of medical cards." Say _that three times fast._**

**Why Resident Evil Will Never Be In A Literary Canon. The voice-recognition system for the elevator: "Please enter your voice." This is the oddest bit of a command I have ever seen. There goes Resident Evil again, experimenting in new frontiers of linguistic styles of sentence structure! Shouldn't it be, "Please speak into the microphone"?**

**We Have Enough Of This Back Home. Clicking on the shelves in the room before the Hunter Gammas: "Bottles of various viruses and other things." Yep, yep, yep. Just like Jill, Carlos finds these things dreadfully commonplace. There's influenza, Ebola…**

**It Go Boom. The rubble remains of the hellish infirmary: "There was a hospital here, but it's gone now." Ahhh, concise and almost childish. Yes, little Carlos, it disappeared into the mists of a shitload of C-4.**

**Why? Clicking on Jill's bed of infection: "There is an altar." Ah. Profound.**

**I Got Too Close To The Pumpkins. The save room in the graveyard: "A dried-up pumpkins are placed here." First of all, what the hell are pumpkins doing in a graveyard and secondly, the grammar is horrendous. The plurals and singulars are killing me!**

**I'll Tell You When I've Had Enough! Clicking on the table in the graveyard building, there is an inexplicable sight: "Deserted alcohol bottles." Who in their right mind _wouldn't consume alcohol to the point of licking the bottle in this sort of situation? Ay, there's the rub: they don't even have minds…_**

**An Artist's Last Words. Manager's Diary: "I want to weep." Such a poetic use of vocabulary. He must've absorbed some thesaurus-like abilities at the university he was transferred from. And to be using it at such a time! He must have been a true genius.**

**Up My Sleeve. When finished supplying power to the safety system, Jill again uses her powers to sense: "The lock seems to have been released." Amazing how she could know that from three rooms away! Must be her map blinking and bleeping…**

**The Law Of Conservation. Carlos has less pocket space than Jill. Jill wears a form-fitting outfit and a fanny pack. Carlos has a superfluous amount of pockets in his mercenary's fatigues. You figure it out.**

**If I Can't Have You. Carlos obviously has a thing for Jill. (Who wouldn't in that getup?) Yet he uses an _assault rifle on auto to clear the zombies surrounding her in the sewer tunnel. I can't imagine what a stray bullet through some deteriorating limb gaps would do to the huddling figure of so much affection. Love…_**

Author's Notes: If I get around to it, RE2 and RE and RE:CV!


End file.
